CHAPTER27

2006-03-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

I GOTS A JOB!!!

Yeah, so with all the excitement of my FINALLY getting a cool job; I realized I may have missed a few details with all the conversations I had with folks today. So here goes.

Okay, so yesterday I attempted to be productive despite the fact I couldn't leave since the house is being remodeled and I couldn't leave the workers here alone. SO while my mom was out, I decided to check all our email. After I did that I received a call from an unknown number. I answered and this guy said he found my resumé inline and asked if I was still looking for work.

I was slightly apprehensive as the last over the phone work inquiry was from CITI Financial desperately searching for sales reps. Not quite graphic design. Anyway, I informed the gentleman that I was in fact still looking for work. Then he said the magic words, "We're a web design/web hosting company..." That's all I needed to hear. So Dan (the owner) said he wanted to meet with me. This was about 11:30 in the a.m. I asked when. He said "..Today at 3p.m." I said "Great! See you at three."

Of course I was hootin' and hollerin' over the fact an web deign firm wanted to talk to me. But I soon became super panicked since I am still rusty with my web-tech lingo and current industry news. So I hopped on the computer and did a little pre-interview cram. Once I got to the place and got a chance to talk to everyone and show off my stuff, I realized I had nothing to be stressed out about. This shows how long it's been since I've had a job. I forgot I had to fill out an application. No big, right? It sucked because I can NEVER remember phone numbers or addresses of past employers. And I'm really surprised that I don't already have a document will all that info somewhere.

I'm usually better prepared for such situations. Okay, so the company is called Marketcenter Technologies. It's in the Heritage district in Irving(nowhere close to me). They've been around for 8 years. It's a small operation with three peeps + me. The owner is the Project manager. His daughter is a designer. And his nephew is the Programmer. The company offers web design and maintenance + web hosting. My email address there is: stefan@marketcenter.net. Our url is http://www.marketcenter.net

Okay, so back to the interview. After I finished filling out + editing the layout of the application, I met with Dan Cavazos and his daughter. I have no idea what her name is and I'm having trouble remembering the nephew's name also. Hmmm. That's no good. Anyway, Dan talked to me about the company; where it's been and where it's headed. Like I wrote before, they're a small operation. they've been around for eight years and now they're at the point where they have more work than they can handle. Enter Stefan. At some point, Dan asked if I would be able to take a concept and turn it into a finished product. I told him I was, then I busted out the sketches + storyboards from MY CPappa website AND the storyboards, project proposal and other planning materials from my Ben Sherman website.

"We don't even get that involved... yet," was the comment that was made after taking a good look at my mad crazy planning skills. Yeah, so after that they showed me their facility. It's a two story shop. It was a coffee bar. The counter's still in place, but they have a really cool ultramarine blue, some chrome and exposed brick thing goin' on there. It's very nice. ALL their hardware is Dell. Flat screen monitors, servers, desktops, printers. All Dell. All pricy. All worth it.

After the tour, Dan took me in his office and continued on about his goals for the company and how now they're at the point where they have all the equipment they need (for now), plus office expandable space that they can invest expanding their core staff. I loved it because this guy and I are sooo like-minded. After the business chat, I asked about the area of town he chose to setup shop and stuff like that. To show I'm not simply interested in earning wage; that I'm a real person too.

So I said my good byes and thank yous. Dan then informed me they had a couple more people to meet with and he would be making a hiring decision before the end of the week. I received an offer today at 1:30p.m. How great is that?

2006-02-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

It's About Protecting the Children???

I'm listening to NPR and they're discussing gay marriage ban amendments, in particular one to be voted upon in Virginia. Some woman who is expecting her first child in the next few months says "It's about protecting the children." Really?

How is banning gay marriage protecting anyone's kids? Oh, is that because we're (gay people) are seen as sexual predetors by many conservative stright folks? Or is it that we are such a threat, conservative politicians see this as their only chance to hold us in place by restricting our once inalienable rights.

It's facinating how being "American" constantly changes. And all for the sake of protecting the family and in other cases, national security. The only thing I can even begin to compare all of this to is how American treated African Americans post slavery. It's a looong time, but black folks STILL aren't treated as equal.

I remember my mom explaining to me why she NEVER uses public bathrooms. I figured it was because she's kind snooty. In fact, she learned never to use public bathrooms because she grew up in Jim Crow America, with the White vs. Colored toilets, water fountains, etc. She said the "colored" bathrooms were always horribly filthy and rancid, while the water in the "colored" fountains was always steaming hot.

Can't do that kind of shit to African Americans, now. "So let's do something similar to gay Americans!!! Yeah, that's a plan! They want to get married? Screw 'em!"

See, it's stupid shit like this that makes me so damn hostile! What is it that they say? Whoever you hate will somehow end up in your family? Yeah, I like the sound of that.

2006-02-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

My Friends Are AWESOME!!!

It's strange how long it takes to meet an incredible group of good people who positively effect your life. When I just wee lad, I used to think anyone I ever met was my friend. It's odd to think that some people, as adults, think the way I did about friendship at the age of 6.

All I can say, over and over is "Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaank You!" to all the wonderfully amazing people who have helped me through this emotional panic. I hate being whiny, but sometimes it just happens. So please excuse the mess.

I am doing much better. I still feel sad from time to time, but I am finding myself smiling a lot more. A couple nights ago, I took a drive around the city, to clear my head. And every emotion I could have felt fully emerged as I was behind the wheel.

Not to worry. I didn't drive into or ever anything. I gotta keep the Jetta pretty, you know? Anyway, I am in desperate need of a peaceful nap. I've been up since 6AM thanks to my procrastinatory ass. Steftastic is signing off for the evening.

Stay cool.

2006-01-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

Finally, Some Answers

I had the strangest dream last night. It involved my ex-best friend, Gabe, and my current best friend, Paco. And what made it strange was that Paco was playing the role of Gabe, as if my life were a play. I always figured it would be a musical comedy, but I digress.

BACKGROUND
Gabe and I became good friends rather quickly, but it turned to a negative relationship that I'm glad I was able to escape from. I was 24 and in need of some serious male attention and Gabe was the only close guy in my life. So what happened after spending so much time with him going to clubs, shopping and talking on the phone (it sounds like a couple of 14 year old girls)?

I developed feelings for him, that I knew for a fact he would never have for me. I remember one time, in the early stages of our relationship, he said - outloud - he didn't date black guys. Now, it pisses me off when ANYONE marks off an entire ethnicity from their list of potential mates, but this was my friend. Therefore, it hurt much worse.

But to make myself feel better, I figured I could change his mind. I mean, I've always been "the exception" throughout my entire life. I grew up in a wealthy, white, Jewish neighborhood in Dallas and I was brought up as a well mannered, clear speaking gentleman. When I enter a room and open my mouth, people always turn their heads like they were expecting me to sound like a bone thugg, who flashes his scrilla around town.

When I used to meet guys online (pre photo uploads) and later we'd speak on the phone, the one comment I could ALWAYS count on hearing was "Wow, you don't sound black!" I felt so wonderful knowing that because I sounded normal, I was accepted by certain people. So I figured as being the sole positive influence in his life, I would be the exception for Gabe.

Sad to say, Gabe preferred the white and slightly tanned meat more so throughout our "friendship," which left me feeling incredibly stupid and alone. Fortunately, I realized he didn't value our friendship (or whatever the hell it was we had) one bit. Originally, we worked together. We shopped together. We had deep conversations, regularly. I'd give advice and he'd listen... sometimes. I made myself available to him (so my fault) and he used me.

Once I realized that I was the one who always called him, when I realized EVERY conversation we had revolved around him; I stopped calling. I haven't heard from him since. Okay, that's not true. Paco and I ran into him back in December. He saw Paco getting in my car and he ran to say "hi." I smiled and said "hi" back and that was it.

I hear he wants back in my life. I think he fucked me up, royal. When I was dating my last boyfriend I would have these episodes where I could NOT remove Gabe from my thought and I just became so upset. I remember Eric tried to console me by letting me know it was okay because he meant something to me. That was nice, but it sucked that I was falling apart while he was doing his thing... which was simply screwing around.

One of his exes told me his various partners nicknamed him "Captain Hook." I try my best not picture it, but the name is fucking hilarious! So, Gabe and I were no longer friends. Next, I met my ex. We met online and talked EVERYDAY for seven months. This was a long distance relationship with monthly conjugal visits. I insisted get to know one another before our relationship got serious. We had to be friends first. Why? Because friendship is the next most important thing in my life after family.

My parent's therapist explained to me (and it makes so much sense) that whenever a friendship ends, it's like experiencing a death. And I do not handle death well at all. I've actually lost my big brother and my grandmother, both in the past four years. I didn't go to my brother's funeral in New York because I was a coward and couldn't face up to the fact that AIDS had finally taken him away from our family. And after living with us for five years, at 94 , my grandmother became a friend to me. So losing another friend would simply be devastating.
_________
BACK TO THE TOPIC
So that sums up why I'm so screwed up when it comes to friendships. Now let's return to the ACTUAL subject of this post; my dream. Well, I occasionally compare my relationship with Paco with the one I had with Gabe. And I know Paco won't like reading that, but it's true. The difference is Paco would NEVER do anything to hurt me. As our friendship has developed we've been nothing but supportive towards one another. We make each other laugh. We know one another's pet peeves. We can talk about anything. We enjoy each other's company, no matter how insecure I am about my appearance at times.

Paco, you are my best friend; which is why I was terrified when I started feeling jealous towards your new relationship with what's his name (laugh here). Back when we were acquaintances, I always saw you as boyfriend material. Not sure why, but I did. I guess I see all my guy (non-straight) friends that way. I see all the qualities I would want in a boyfriend, in them. Which is probably why I develop crushes on each and every one of them.

So I think I'll have to take everyone's advice, which has been "Maybe you need to distance yourself from him. You know, not spending so much time together." Well that should be easy since he works full-time, goes to school full-time and has a boyfriend. This dream has got me feeling more peculiar than anything else. I feel like Paco is another version of the Gabe character. Only this time, the relationship is legit; but it still feels like he's leaving me for something more desirable.

Whoa! I just came up with that. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together. Although I hate that I'm comparing Paco to Gabe. I'm even feeling offended. Maybe not as much as Paco probably is. You know, Paco is like a 24 karat, emerald cut, Harry Winston diamond ring... with a platinum band; while Gabe is more like a busted, crusty Ring Pop trying to pass as a Cubix Zarconia. There are absolutely no similarities other than one. I loved them both. Well, I still love Paco (here, love ≠ in love with). Gabe can take a leap into flaming radioactive sewage for all I care.

Jack-ass.

2006-01-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

$5000 Gift Card, here I come!!!

So I went to both Target and SuperTarget yesterday, Sunday. I guess whenever you shop there and spend a certain amount, you get a link to their customer survey printed on your reciept with a PIN number.

I think I've submitted between 10-15 since November. Well yesterday, I received 2 offers to fill out a survey. One from Ghetto Target down the street, and another from Super Target out in BFE. So, I just filled them both out and now I'll have an even better chance at winning a $5000 Target gift card.

I've entered sooo many times. Let's just hope for the best!

2006-01-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

Naughty by Nature... ?
Reminiscing on men + sex

I was walking Hampton (the dog) this afternoon when a lost thought popped in my head. Lost only because I'm no longer in contact with the person involved with the thought. Those who have known me awhile, remember Alfredo Medina? A.K.A. My first attempt at dating.

Yeah, that was such a lust filled relationship. It only lasted maybe a month, if that. And what most of y'all don't know is how this all began. After I graduated from SMU, I took on a stockroom management position at Armani Exchange. While here, I crossed paths with Alfredo. At the time, he was a friend of my manager, James.

When I worked at A|X, I hung out at James' apartment pretty regularly. Summer 2001, Alfredo moved in with James, which gave me plenty of opportunities to make my move. We flirted A LOT, so I knew I could snag him. Well, one night James decided to bust out his Swatch collection. No joke. I believe it lasted about an hour. Maybe longer. Either way, Alfredo and I were falling asleep.

In the midst of the time piece showcase, Alfredo moved to a couch on the other end of the living room and yes, I followed. James realized that everyone was tired, so he put the Swatches away and went to bed. In the living room, sat Stef and Alfredo. What came next... funny I used that phrase here... I can't go into detail because I simply choose not to. What I can say is Alfredo did contribute to my decision to NEVER bottom during casual encounters.

Which works well, since I don't participate in such acts... anymore. Sex without love does absolutely nothing for me. I've had two casual encounters in my life and I'm NEVER doing that to myself again. Both times I felt like a whore because it always ended with me servicing some idiot who thought playing porn and/or allowing his pets watch was sexy; leaving me unsatisfied and wanting to get the hell out of the situation.

Lesson learned.

2006-01-29T20:35:00.000-08:00

Confidently... Sheltered

Today is Sunday, which means attacking Super Target in Plano (20 miles away), car washing and laundry doing. Well, in watching Return of the Jedi (in passing), I starting thinking back to my freshman year of college in Brooklyn, yo!

I thought about how I've been since I moved back home to Dallas and how things were in the oh so unfamiliar New York. I strangely remember feeling at ease with myself along with never receiving strange looks from others, as though I did not belong.

To clarify. I live in McMansion Land #3 in Dallas, otherwise known as Preston Hollow.

#1 = Highland Park
#2 = University Park.

Anyway, Over the past 10 years or so I have been a faithful patron to the neighborhood Starbucks. And over 10 years, I am still the ONLY brown customer who actually lives in the vicinity and is never on his way to work when he stops in.

That being said, I (still) get stared at everyday, by other customers; like I'm a fucking alien or something. Some looks are of pure resentment. "Sorry, but I was born and raised here. You weren't so STOP lookin' at me and drink your damn coffee!" While others are of bewilderment. "Yes, there are such things as non-ghetto black people. Welcome to 2006."

People didn't give me hateful looks in NYC. Hell, people rarely ever made eye contact on the street. Many people were surprised when I was courteous towards them. I mean opening a door for someone in New York is a HUGE deal! You see, I was born in Dallas; raised in Preston Hollow with privileges other African American kids could only dream of.

Dallas has always been my comfort zone. Here, I have a (free) roof over my head, my bills NEVER go unpaid, I have a new car to drive every few years, and access to more credit cards than anyone ever should. This has been my life and it seriously needs to change.

I love my parents. And I know they will do everything they can to keep me comfortable as I build my design skills and search for stable employment. Unfortunately, I've become lazy-minded as a result. Lately, even more so, I have not been doing as well as I could in school. My designs are fine and all, but I've had hell meeting simple deadlines and other basic tasks.

I keep hearing, "If you didn't have any options, you wouldn't be acting this way." And all I can think is "Why now? Why am I having so much difficulty now?" While I've been in school earning my Web Design certificate I've out performed all my class mates consistently over four quarters. But, at quarter five, something happened.

I mean I did okay taking a class on Flash MX 2004, which I've NEVER used. But like I said, I did okay. Quarter six, all hell broke loose. I missed deadlines as well as classes. As a result, I earned a "D." Since I've been in school, I never earned anything less than a "B+."

I do have a 3.4 GPA, thank God. The single class last quarter only dropped my 3.6 a couple points, so that's the one positive. I still have a couple lessons to learn, though. For instance, I have a 19 year old class mate constantly telling me, an almost 28 year old, to "speak up" during in-class critiques.

I'm fascinated how shut-in I've made myself in Dallas. When I lived in New York, I performed in two musicals; HAIR and PAL JOEY. I acted and sang my ass off in front of large audiences. Both shows ran over three days with four performances of each. Living in Big D, I can't even convince myself to make conversation with other graphic designers at my DSVC (Dallas Society of Visual Communications) meetings.

I'm terrified of this type of interaction. Probably because I have to do it alone. I've learned to only do certain things by myself, like grocery shopping, getting coffee and my hair cut. Sometimes I shop by myself too, but that's no fun to do by yourself. Ugh! I'm thinking about moving. I can't stand that I'm a comfortable coward. I'm sure I'd presently be the success I'm supposed to be if I had stepped up at EVERY opportunity that presented itself to me.

There's been quite a few. You know, when I lived in New York, I was still quiet. Performance was simply an outlet that helped me to prepare for typically uncomfortable interaction. I don't really have a multifunctional escape here. I drive a lot, but I'm usually by myself and my hostility towards others peaks out while I'm behind the wheel.

I guess I'll have to do some research. I would so like to be able to approach interesting strangers and engage them in conversation.

2006-01-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

DAYUM!!!

Drat! I just found out my new VW Jetta WAS in fact assembled in Mexico. Puebla, Mexico to be exact. I am sooo not happy with this news as my Passat was ALL kinds of German goodness.

Now I come to find my new sporty beast of a vehicle is only partial German. Unfortunately, I am referring to the temperamental 6 speed automatic transmission that likes to jump gears EVERYDAY.

The sticker says:

MAJOR SOURCES OF FOREIGN PARTS CONTENT:
GERMANY: 35%
MEXICO: 35%

Eh. I guess I'll survive. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a lemon, like Amy's old Jetta. Pray for me.

2006-01-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Pining Away...

When you're drowning in work, all you really want is an escape... or maybe a simple distraction. Well, I've become overtaken by distraction. Well, one in particular. Someone close to me (who will remain nameless) has become involved with a nice fellow... from what I hear anyway.

As a result, I can't help but spend the majority of my days thinking about this person. I'll work for a couple hours and take a break. And what do I during these breaks? I think about him and all the crap we've been through together and all the growing up we've done since we've been friends.

Occasionally, loving feelings I had in the past will surface which leads to jealousy of my friend's relationship with this stranger. I'm beginning to feel schizo as I routinely have to convince myself to get over these feelings and focus on getting my shit together, starting with finishing my personal website so I can market myself more effectively as a Web Designer.

I'm seriously losing it. I have tons of work to do and everyone I know is busy with their life. So why can't I just get it together? I just want to get my adult life started.

Is there a pill I can take or something?

2006-01-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

It's Hott!!!

So this past weekend was chopped full of surprises. Actually, I just had an extremely awesome Saturday. I mean the entire day, from 12AM Saturday - 12AM Sunday, was absolutely fantastic. Let's start with work.

Okay, I work at Williams Sonoma (the greatest cooks tools store ever) on the weekends as a stock runner/ gift wrapper extraordinaire. Honestly, I hate running stock. I would much rather make celloes and wrap gifts while I'm there. Why? I work in a flag ship store with a two level stockroom.

The strange part of all of this is I know where EVERYTHING is in this magnanimous space, yet I can't stand hunting for requested merchandise. Those who know me best, are aware of my obsessive compulsive tendencies and understand that working at Williams Sonoma gives me that fix.

Anyway, this passed Saturday I was scheduled with my best co-worker, Arlene. She loves running stock, therefore, I got to wrap gifts with the love and care that has earned me such compliments as "Oh my God! You are such an awesome gift wrapper!"

Yeah, so that was a very enjoyable four hour shift. The next situation is still so unbelievable to me. Okay, I lease cars. I also feel that the car you drive should accurately reflect your personality. Why? Because people make judgments based on what they see. If I see some black guy driving around in a white Cadillac Escalade with 20in rims, riding low in the driver's seat; I think he's a pretentious mo fo who thinks that others will respect him because he's driving some pimped out Chevy with Cadillac (the official sponsor of the straight pimp'in community) badges on it.

So, the lease on my 2001 VW Passat is up February 23rd of this year and I've been trying to get out of it for the past four months. Also note, I'm a snob and I'm a spoiled brat. Since I already drive a VW Passat, I figured I would just get a new one since they were redesigned for 2006. And whenever I get a new car(the Passat is car #4 since the age of 16 - I'm 27), I require it have the same amenities my passed vehicles had, such as:

- automatic sunroof with sun shade

- integrated front fog lights

- 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission (faux stick)

- heated leather seats

- 6 disc CD changer

Well, the 2006 Passat with these amenities cost over $31k and I just refuse to pay that much for a VW when I still don't have a real job that pays ALL the bills. It was September when I went to my dealership and decided I wanted this over priced monster that was actually made larger than its predecessor.

Seriously, it's just me and my little cocker spaniel, Hampton. I don't need a car that big. So, one of my resolutions for this New Year was to grow up. This means I will make good major decisions that will positively effect my life over all (career, personal life, etc.). Well for Christmas, Abercrombie & Fitch (as part of a class action settlement) gave me $2.8k. $800. went towards paying some bills, while the rest lingered in my checking account.

By now you're probably asking yourself, "Where's he going with all this?" Well, this passed Friday night, I made the decision that the Passat I wanted was too expensive and I should look at a Jetta instead (one model lower). I configured a top-of-the-line model, online, and it came out to cost less than the modestly loaded model Passat I was looking at.

So long story short (finally), after my great day at work; my dad asked me if we had time to go up to the VW dealership to look at cars. OF COURSE WE HAD TIME! So we went to Boardwalk VW. I told my sales guy what I wanted. We searched the lot for EXACTLY what I was looking for. They had ONE 2006 Jetta 2.0 turbo that was almost perfect, but I wanted another beautiful blue car. Oh well. So I picked out this metallic grey 2006 VW Jetta with...

- heated leather seats

- integrated front fog lights

- dual automatic climate control

- xenon headlights (the ones that can light up the road for three additional cars)

- wood grain trim

- automatic sunroof with sun shade

- hott 17" factory wheels that don't look factory

- 6 disc in-dash CD changer

- 2.0L turbo DOHC inline 4 cylinder engine w/ 200hp (my Passat was a 1.8L turbo with 190hp)

- SIRIUS satellite radio

By 6PM, my credit application was approved (withOUT a co-signer). I signed over a check for $2K (my Abercrombie settlement left overs) as a combo down payment, first month's lease payment + tax, title and license. Now, I HAVE A NEW CAR!!!

I'm still in shock! I've NEVER picked out a car, located it and purchased it within a 24 hour span. That's some mad crazy skill right there. Now, it's a tad smaller, which is quite alright. It's faster. It's sportier. It's HOTT!!! Okay, so that was the second part of my incredible day.

The next came in the form of my being able to have dinner with my best guy friend, Frankie. I told him earlier, I wanted us to have dinner together before we both started up with school and became crazy busy this coming week. We planned for sushi at Reikyu, but my favorite restaurant was unexpectedly overly packed with caucasian Dallasites who needed to be seen at Mockingbird Station on a Saturday night.

We probably didn't need to be in that type of atmosphere anyway. So we headed to another classy spot, much closer to the gayborhood; Parigi. Such a restaurant makes anyone feel like an adult. We chose a fine Pinot Noir. We had meaningful conversation as we sipped. We consumed a fantastically prepared meal, then shared delicious a crust-less peach cobbler.

Like I told Frankie, this passed Saturday (January 7, 2006) was an outstanding day. 1 - I actually had a good, stressless day at work. 2 - I got a new car. 3 - I was able to spend some quality time with Frankie. Yeah, that was a great day.

2006-01-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

Oh New Years...

New Years is a wonderful time to renew relationships with old friends, as well as a time to develop new ones. That being said, I rang in the new year with a colorful cast of characters. I have to say, that was the most entertaining trips to Lucas, Texas, ever. No doubt.

Between ten people, we polished off ten bottles of champagne. The weird thing is none of us felt drunk. We were more sleepy than anything else. And I have to give Ms. Melinda mad crazy props on her chocolately Squares of Heavenly deliciousness. Hmmm...

Ahhh... and New Years day. Actually, I had more fun New Years night than during the day. I mean, seeing Bareback (Brokeback) Mountain was great. And crying with old and new friends was an unexpected bonding experience.

But, staring down at Ambs' giggley girls... all night... had to be the highlight of our outing. It's up there with teaching Gregory about Stef's guide to checking out potential mates. Shoes first, damnit!

You know, I feel as though I'm not doing the best job describing how great the first day of 2006 actually was for me. So to be thorough, here is an email I wrote my bestest gal pal this week. I believe it gets the point across.

So, I had a fucking blast last weekend. It's also made me realize that having an attitude of needing to go out all the time is such a waste. It takes a combination of the right group of people and a well thought out plan to have a great time.

I love New Years because it forces me to take on new approaches to everyday situations. Up to this point, I've felt... not like a failure, but I have been impatient since everyone I know is living their life and moving closer towards their goals. After Sunday, I've been able to take a good look at how I approach life... school, work, friends, and romance.

It's amazing how one day can change your outlook. First we saw Brokeback Mountain, which made me recognize why I'm so afraid of talking to guys... or the wrong guys. I mean, good guys shouldn't be afraid to flirt; but we have to be careful. This world still isn't ready for us, but we have to stand out to assist the straighties during the transition.

You know, this last line would have seemed a bit strange coming from me if I hadn't just hung out with Gregory. I really like the effect he's had on me. And I love how's he's not stereotypical... like me. I keep saying he's a cross between me and James. He has the OCD behavior that I see as a normal strength and the love of knowledge and of French culture that James has.

If he were anyone else I think I would have been VERY intimidated, but I was not. You know how you complain about how gay men react to you? Like you're the Goddess Fag Mistress. I figure you're the Pope of the gay community, which is why you have the effect you do upon gay men. You are the single most positive influence that any gay man could ever have and Gregory, James, and I are the luckiest men on the planet because we have the privilege of knowing you and having you in our lives.

And it's not bizarre to me. Having you as my best gal pal, I know I'll be around for a while; even if my parents don't think so.

Honestly, on New Years Eve I felt like an ass as EVERYONE was aware of Biblical trivia, while I sooo was not. But, I'm special. I have only recently developed a love for knowledge as an adult. I am a positive victim of peer pressure. If my friends have interests in the arts and other news, I do too. I guess it goes along with that thing your SMU professor said. As an adult, you should surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.

Now all I keep thinking is I need companionship. Oh yeah, so Frankie's on his getting a promotion at A|X kick. Although he deserves it and I hope he gets promoted, I wish he had enough time to converse with me. Even though it's only been two weeks since we've had consistent communication with one another. I do miss it. Kinda like how you miss that guy from Austin.

If it seems like I'm rambling, it's probably because I just pounded down an entire bottle of Riesling with lunch. I need a nap.

Love,
Stef

2005-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

Is it me?

So, I've been a terror all week. One of my co-workers at Williams Sonoma said "You are really showin' your natural black behind!" You know, like when someone says, "He's showing his ass," meaning, he's showing his true colors.

Anyway, various individuals I work with have been behaving like complete and utter fucktards and I am clearly at my breaking point as I've clearly expressed my frustration by throwing my signature attitude EVERYWHERE. All over the walls, on the ceiling, and all up in the cracks. While the adults at work should be afraid of me, the teenagers are torn between thinking I'm either kinda cool and a little nuts or I'm just an asshole.

Just so you'll understand my pain, I've included this stockroom call from last weekend between myself and a person I like to refer to as "The chick with bad hair." FYI, we use Walkie Talkies.

TCWBH: Stockroom?

STEF: This is stockroom.

TCWBH: Stockrrom, I need a LeCreuset 2.5 quart saucier in dijon (yellow).

STEF: I am checking on a LeCreuset 2.5 quart saucier in dijon.

STEF: This is stockroom. I have a LeCreuset 2.5 quart saucier in dijon
coming up.

- I delivered the product to the salesfloor -

TCWBH: Stockroom... I needed the LeCreuset saucier in Lemongrass (puke
green).

STEF: This is stockroom. We do not have ANY LeCreuset 2.5 quart
sauciers in Lemongrass. I only have them in yellow.

TCWBH: I need the LeCreuset saucier in Lemongrass.

STEF: I only have it in yellow.

- 1 minute pause -

TCWBH: What other colors do you have it in?

STEF: Yellow.

- THE END -

So, that was last Friday.

2005-11-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

Supernatural Insanity

So, a couple weekends back, I had the honor of escort my friend, Frankie, out on his prebirthday-eve (two nights prior to his birthday). Anyway, we planned on having a couple drinks to kick of the celebration and then continue on the next day, since he had to work on his birthday.

Rocket Bar was our destination and I have to say, I didn't really know what to think of it. And I think I'm becoming even more bourgeois, because I was expecting valet somewhere on the premises since available parking was lacking. Plus, as we approached the building, we couldn't really figure out where the door was, as exterior lighting obviously was not a priority when they renovated this former oyster bar.

We eventually found the door. We walked in and were greeted by this somewhat attractive white, thin, tattooed (...and straight) doorman. This was one of the best parts of the evening because he carded both of us. It's the little things, you know?

Okay, both Frankie and I are very judgmental and can pick apart anyone and anything in a heart beat. That being said, our stroll through the first level of this bar was not pleasant. The lounge areas were crying out for furniture and whoever painted the interior of this place should be shot because quality clearly was not an issue.

Second of all, we knew there was a second level, but we had to ask around for directions to find the freakin' stairs. Finally heading up, Frankie and I grinned at one other after noticing we were both desperately avoiding contact with the hand rails.

At the second level, we noticed a relatively small "bar" to our left, an open lounge space to the right and a doorway to the patio straight ahead. So, we headed out because the inside was too much of a visual disappointment. On the patio we found some friends of Frankie's. We conversated for a bit, then we needed to fuel up on "alkyhall" (alcohol). So, we had to head back down to the main bar where we found the shirtless, hard bodied (mostly) bartenders dancing on the bar, like at Coyote Ugly.

I had to look away because although their faces weren't that great, their pants were falling low and their bodies were nice-looking. I have to be a good boy at all times, okay? Okay. We got to the bar and put in our drink orders as the MC of the night announced "All drinks are free for 10 minutes!" What a great bar this was turning out to be, right?!

Well, after we picked up our drinks, one of Frankie's exes walked up and they casually chatted for a bit. I just flat out do not like ANYONE Frankie has dated (over the passed 5 years) Well, there's one I don't hate. Jeff is cool. Anyway, while Frankie was talking with this idiot, I looked over to my right to find this tall, older, clearly horny white man wearing a well-fitting tee shirt that stated: "This is my brain" (with an arrow pointing upward); "This is my brain on beer"(with an arrow pointing downward - towards his cock).

Needless to say, I was offended simply by him standing near me wearing some shit like that. I am quality goods and will NOT engage in random acts of casual sexual activity! At this point, I realized something was different. Like drunk and horny man was gone and another "presence" had assumed his likeness. Suddenly, taking me home to fuck was no longer the topic of conversation.

He asked if I knew who he was, and looking into his eyes, I did. He was a spiritual messenger. FYI: I mentioned this to my friend, Ambs and she loved the fact "God spoke to me at a gay bar." I was in awe. I've always believed in divine intervention and things always happening for a reason, but I never... ever thought I would receive such a clear message from up above.

So, the messenger told me he could see that Frankie and I were close and that our relationship was good for the both of us. That our being in each other's life is such an awesome thing. I, of course, agreed simply because it's true. My relationship with Francisco (Frankie) is the healthiest one I've ever had. We're always honest with one another. We help each other out whenever necessary. We talk, text and voicemail almost everyday. All in all, we're good to each other.

Frankie's ex finally left and he attempted to join our divine conversation. Let's just say that sudden strange and fascinating events confuse my friend a little. So what seemed like a miraculous occurrence to me, was seen as a bullshit fest through Frankie's eyes. He tried to introduce himself to the messenger, but was shot down repeatedly. From my point of view, it seemed like Frankie was trying to rescue me from this drunk, horny(referencing the t-shirt) guy.

I knew what was going on, but Frankie did not. This clearly frustrated the messenger, so he left us with the obvious: "You two take care of one another. You're good for each other." It's like, if you didn't see it before, you should know it now. I am a little confused, though. I think we both know that we're good for each other. So, why did "he" have to say it? To make it clear that at some point, we'll... I don't know.

Frankie and I are damn good friends, and we'll probably be around for each other for a long while. It does feel strange when we go out together and people ask "Are y'all a couple?" Not so much because they asked the question, but more so because we're not a couple. Sure, we're a couple, like two people... one - two people. But still, others disagree; like my friend Dorian in Wollongong, Australia. In his last email, he wrote:

So supernatural beings plotting your love life...cool. So you and Frankie wink wink,nudge nudge. See, even possessed drunk people can see something's gonna happen there.

Ya know, when people start putting ideas in your head, the common sense you try to rely on suddenly hits the shitter and you're left helpless. I'm still a firm believer in "If it happen, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't" Either way, I'm not losing anything. We're gonna be around to support each other, no matter what.

Oh well!

2005-10-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Was I wrong?

So, I just got back from an AWESOME happy hour at Spike Global Grill at Mockingbird Station in Dallas. I was with my super cool gal pal, Sandra and we chatted, ate, drank and had a good ole time.

Well, when I arrived, Sandra was already there and had ordered for the both of us. When we were seated, I noticed our waiter looked like(clone of) my ex-boyfriend, only more Hispanic. My ex is half Hispanic/half Caucasian and cute and little (5'7). So there whole time we were there, I kept looking at our waiter, like he was a ghost of my ex. Very strange.

Anyway, now that I'm home, I keep thinking about my ex and how we hurt one another so. He was my first committed relationship and I received my first STD via his first infidelity. On the other hand, after we broke up, I apparently gave him the false idea I wanted to get back together by fooling around with him, resulting in his broken heart.

Needless to say, we fucked each other up good. But, now I can't help but think "Was I mistaken by giving up on him after one huge mistake?" I mean people who are married go through bigger shit than this and stay together... Okay that's not the best example.

Anyone who gives their partner an STD when commitment IS the basis of the relationship does not deserve a second chance. Maybe Sandra's right when she said I am cynical. I am. I've seen a lot of people close to me go through A LOT of shit and I simply don't want to go through what they did.

They were the example, so I wouldn't have to experience the pain and anguish they did. Ugh! I'm drunk and confused!

2005-09-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

OMG! I need to take a nap. What's the deal? I drove myself over the deep-end building my first website from scratch. Why? Why not?

I just wanted to see if I could get a good(beautiful and functional) site up without Dreamweaver or a CSS checker. All I can say now is, it's up. Hey Stef, do all the links work? Nope!

Two pages of my portfolio don't have JavaScript hooked in yet... yet. I hope to all pages of my beautiful website up and running before next week. I figure I'll drop my original layout, html and CSS in Dreamweaver and fix it there. Wish me luck.

After I "finished" building and testing what I had, I was asked to design a logo for a leadership summit that's coming up next month. I'm so blessed I can throw together great work in less than 24 hours. Although, planning ahead does help too.

While I met with my client, I made a couple quick mock-ups of the logo. When I got home, I sketched a few more ideas then headed to my trusty G4. I came up with three designs. I really only liked one, but it needed some tweaking.

At about 6:30AM, I headed off to my neighborhood Starbucks, with design pad in hand and the iPod on my hip. After an hour sipping my latte and a lot of people watching, I managed to come up with a few more/better ideas. When I got home, I went to town and my final design was complete.

I met with my client this afternoon and she absolutely LOOOOOOOOOVED what I came up with. I was smart, though. Remember the very first idea I came up with and tweaked? I showed her that one first. Then I presented the best, second. "You've out done yourself!" I love those words put together like that!

I guess increased insanity brings out the best ideas in some situations. I am sooo tired. Hopefully I'll have sweet dreams about the car I hope to purchase next month.

2005-09-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

Fast Forward...

So, Frankie is this really great guy who I've had the honor of knowing for about 5 years. At one point we both worked at A|X Armani Exchange at the Dallas Galleria. Honestly when I first saw him, I didn't give a second glance. And as I think back, I'm glad I didn't.

Why? Because that would have meant he was just another guy; not worthy of my friendship. Some walk by gander. Like I said before, I've known him for five years; but only recently have we become genuine friends. I mean, we get one another. And some part of me occasionally wonders why we're not "together." In reality I DO know why.

Our relationship is simply platonic, plus I am still getting used to having a close guy friend. Am I weird? Of course! I remember when I was younger, thinking any guy who was nice to me wanted to date or fuck me. Now that I'm older and more mature, my relationships seem different... better, I should say.

Frankie and I talk, text and voice mail almost everyday. We make time for our friendship and it's great! I have to say he is a wonderful blessing in my life. I guess I'm bringing this up because I don't really think he realizes what an incredibly beautiful person he is. I just think most guys who meet Francisco have absolutely no idea that they've come across the last guy they would ever "date."

Over the past year, I've discovered my friend Frankie is the perfect boyfriend. How so?

He loves to cook. He loves to love. I mean how many guys will put others before themself? He is raising a beautifully hyper Jack Russell Terrier (Sams). He has a healthy relationship with his family. He has his own car. Oh, and did I mention he has incredible style? Yeah, he has GRRReat style, so no makeovers for Mr. Macias.

Enter the flaw.We both try so fucking hard to pretty ourselves up on the exterior, as though that actually matters. We both LOVE receiving attention from others... even if it's short lived. Our superficial sides have to be satisfied as well, right? Hmmm, for now.

I just wish we could fast forward through getting our shit together, receive fantastic job offers and meet some incredibly wonderful guys for the long haul because I do not like pointless dating.

2005-09-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I drive a 2001, beautiful blue VW Passat. My lease ends in March 2006, but my parents have been trying to get me out of it all summer. The leasing company has stopped leasing = I need a new car.

Anyway, I figured I might as well get another VW. They're German awesomeness and they're affordable Audis (big secret). So, Wednesday I visited Park Cities Volkswagen. That was the official shitty decision of this week.

As approached the receptionist to request salesman, this guy walks up to me and asked if he could help me. Enter Stef-the-snob. My first impression was "are you supposed to be a VW salesperson because you look everyday in that hideous plaid shirt and khakis?" Honestly, I could not get past this visual mistake for duration of my visit.

Okay, that was the first disaster. Next, I simply stated, "I would like to see a 2006 Passat." Enter the second disaster. Shit-head responded with "...why not a Jetta?" I'm hating myself for walking through the door of this place at this point.

"Well, I currently have a 2001 Passat and I want to replace it with a new model," I informed him. Easy, right? NOPE! This fucktard proceeded to argue with me. He said the new Jetta was the same size as my Passat and yada-yada-yada. What I don't get is why this idiot was trying to sell me (1) a car I clearly did not want and (2) why he was trying to sell me a cheaper car. The Passat I was looking at was around $30k while the Jetta was at $22k.

This guy was obviously not much of a salesman. And I was still wondering where his white VW polo (with the little logo on the chest) was. That's their uniform, damnit! Anyway, after being frustrated for ten minutes, Chris (dumb-ass salesman) FINALLY decided to show me the Passat on display in the showroom. The car was fucking beautiful... on the inside. I hate the tail end of it, though. The front's okay.

I got in the driver's seat and I was in heaven. The silky black perforated leather was sooo soft and I have to say I love that 6 disc in-dash CD changers are becoming standard on 2006 model vehicles. Anyway, I think Mr. Salesman was trying to give me some details on the car, but I instantly tuned him out. I did my research before I walked in the door, and he wasn't saying anything I didn't already know. It just sounded like he simply memorized (poorly) the basics on the car.

Now I know why he trying to sell me a Jetta, 'cuz he didn't know shit about the 2006 Passat. He could not intelligently answer a single question I asked. Plus, I think he figured I was younger than he was (I look 17-18) because he seemed okay with cursing in my presence. I wanted to smack him up side his head like I was his daddy! FUCKTARD!!!

The end was near, and ALL I WANTED was to drive the fucking car! That's what you do when you go to a dealership! You find what you think you want and take a test-drive to reinforce your decision. So, I asked to take a test drive. Chris told me I had to come back the next day. So, I left.

The next day(yesterday), I drove to BOARDWALK Volkswagen. I asked the receptionist to find me a salesman. I was greeted (professionally) by Gary, a retired medical supply business owner turned VW salesman of the year from 2001-2004. And what was Gary wearing? A white polo with a navy collar and a Volkswagen logo on the chest.

Needless to say, I came to the right place. Gary had full knowledge of Passats, old and new. He informed me of ALL the improvements made to the vehicle and made me excited about the car. We took a spin around the neighborhood and I was oh so very pleased with the car's performance. At this point, I only had to decide on a color since I already knew I wanted a 2.0T with luxury package2=hot shit.

I filled out the credit paperwork, negotiated with the guy in the finance office and we made a fantastic deal where my payments would be $40 less than what I'm paying for my car now. did I mention this new car is $5,000.00 more than the old ome? No hassles. No frills. No one pushed any unnessessary additions on me. What a fucking AWESOME experience!!!

Why can't life be easy and managable like this everyday? I mean, really.

2005-09-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

NEW LIGHT...

After an AWFUL night out last-last weekend, I've been seeing things differently. My friendships... work situation... living situation. It's weird because I thought things were okay, sort of. I guess a couple hours of trauma can enlighten a guy.

Long story short, I went to a drag show with two acquaintances from school. They were piss-ass drunk while I was not. They were ALL over the place. They were super touchy feely with me... big no-no... and constantly disrespected others around us.

News flash! I am very reserved in public, yet am able to have a great time without being piss-ass drunk; so I escaped the torturous two and ran home to my big comfy bed at 12:30PM on a Saturday night. That one evening was the dawn of a renewed, more focused Stef.

I kicked ass on my pseudo-final exam (practical quiz) Tuesday... My relationships seem stronger... I'm more confident in myself and my ability. I'm so proud of me!

2005-09-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's very difficult to think of all the evacuees who are still without a home; and those who only have shells left of what they used to call home. Sure, I was in New Orleans on the last day of sanity. Friday, August 26th was a good, humid day. We almost got hit by a street car. We saw people jogging on the street car lines. We saw all the beautiful homes on St. Charles and had an incredible meal at Jaque-imo's.

People keep telling me, "wow, you got to enjoy it in it's last days." I got to experience New Orleans... finally. But, what about everyone else? I can't watch the news without shedding a few tears. This was another disaster at home. 911 and now this. Only difference is this (the levies not being able to withstand such force) was foreseen by many, yet was of little concern by the big wigs at the head of this country.

Now there are people from Louisiana, relocated all over Texas, trying to make a new start. My prayers go out to them . Not only because they've lost everything, but because most of these "refugees" are brown people who have lost everything. I turn in FOX news and all I see are a screen full of brown people like me. These are my brothas and sistas. Who's helping them now?

I would start sounding hateful, but I can't. Why? Because there are so many fortunate folks all over the US who want to help these people. My mother's reaction to the delay in assistance is "this is full fledges genocide!" I understand where she's coming from. New Orleans' poor population is so unreal. I don't think anyone knew how bad the poverty level + poor black population was until Katrina hit.

On the positive end, there are just as many people out there who want to help out. It's like a war recovery mission at home. As Americans, we tend to stick together during times of crisis. It's weird, 'cuz at the same time we'll tend to cuss each other out during rush hour. God bless America!

2005-08-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gaining some clarity... finally.

I've constantly thought of all the cute clothes and cool tech toys I could purchase. I would think of all the swanky restaurants I where could dine... and I wonder. I wonder, "is this me?" Is it? Or am I trying too hard to be like the kids my age who actually have all these things and can afford all they want.

I get it. I finally get it. I'm broke. Technically, I'm unemployed. And to make things worse, the creativity that used to flow through my veins has dwindled. How can I be a designer without inspiration. How can expect to grow without physical activity.

I don't work out. I don't play any sports. I'm not really active in any industry organizations, either. What happened? Last week I felt absolutely nuts! I've fallen behind on obligations. I'm short on freelance work. My confidence has fallen to my feet. THAT'S NOT ME!

I can be loud and obnoxious, but usually tend to be relaxed and reserved. I would be cocky because (before anyway) I knew I was a Talented SOB. I knew my stuff. Everything inspired me! I smiled A LOT more and shopped A LOT less. I miss being able to afford my bills. And at this point, I feel like I'm headed into a ditch.

I feel so lost. But, I can kind of see where I could go... The one thing I've done that makes sense is I have a subscription to an awesome industry publication. Thank God. HOW magazine has kept me afloat as a consistent source of creative expression by designers all over the world. Designers like I was and want to be.

What the fuck happened to me? Did I flush my passion down the toilet and trade up for material shit. Cute jeans...iPod mini...JBL sub woofer... All shit! Yeah, it's cool having these things, but they don't bring happiness. My family (when we're all together) makes me happy. My dog makes me happy. My friends make me happy. The idea of meeting someone to spend the rest of my life with makes me happy. The blue sky I see every morning makes me happy. Making other happy makes me happy. Being me...my genuine self...makes me happy.

So what now? I should take a page from the book of Rita and make a detailed list of things I need to get done. Going from the very broad, down to super specific. Focusing on things I need to get done today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, next week, this-next month and so on. I just hope... No negativity!

Wish me luck!

2005-08-31T08:10:00.000-07:00

MANDATORY EVACUATION!!!

That's been what's up this week. Damnit Katrina! Hilda and I were supposed to have a fun filled, relaxing time in New Orleans last weekend. But what happened? We flew in on Friday, then hauled ass out of there on Saturday.

On the upside, we did get out of the city. It may have taken 14 hours to get home, but we got out of New Orleans before disaster struck. What sucks is the levies probably won't hold and the Army Corps of Engineers thinks the city will be under water pretty soon...says Ambs.

That being said, my friends in N.O. probably won't have a school to go back to and all their possessions they left are no more.

Some of them had a vigil for their lost clothes, trinkets, etc. Apparently it helped them get over the fact they'll never see their mahogany night stands or French jewelry(recently acquired) again.

For now, we all need to move forward and pray for the best.

2005-08-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am so behind on my freelance work. It's so not even a joke. I wish, but sadly no.

So Rita asked me to design a menu for the theatres' concessions, maybe last month or like end of June... Yeah, I haven't done more than brain storm on the paper type I wanted to use. Next, my sister wants me to redesign her fine art portfolio (note: I designed her first portfolio a few years back, so it needs some serious updating).

So much is going on and I can barely keep up. What's wrong with me? I used to be able to tackle five + projects at a time. Now, I can barely get my homework done and make it to work on time. You kknow what? It's probably my age and my diet trying to kick my ass simultaneously.

I eat healthy, but I do tend to splurge on the liquor and the mashed potatoes. Frankie introduced me to "edamame" last week. Whoever would have thought whole soy beans could be sooo delicious. Apparently I'm not supposed to eat them whole, BUT the one's sold at EATZI's can be, so HA!!!

Okay, so what have we learned? Stefan can no longer eat entire trays of mashed potatoes and he must, must, must lay off the #6 (Spicy Chicken Sandwich) Biggie Sized with a Sprite at Wendy's. I eat way too much fucking chicken, too. Salmon! It's the way of the future, baby!

2005-08-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

So what's with life being sooo hectic? There's so much to do in a single day that a five minute breather seems like an all day nap. What happened to the feakin' day?

2005-08-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've finally re-joined tech-advanced society!!! I bought an iPod mini.

I'm a little disappointed because of ALL the hype. It's advertised like iPods are the greatest things ever. I knew something was wrong when I went to the Apple Store last weekend and was told the iPod Photo did not take pictures(which would make sense). Really? Do you really need a device that acts as an electronic photo album that you carry around with your music? Sounds dumb to me, but I don't rule the world.

Anyway, I don't have an obnoxious amount of music, so I got the 6 gig silver. It's cool, but I can't take it anywhere... besides the gym(and I don't work out). I can't read (and retain the info) and listen to music simultaneously. You can't have ear phones in the car while you drive, and I don't want to listen to the same music in the car as what's on my 'Pod.

Ugh! Now that I have it I wish I lived in New York, again. If I walked EVERYWHERE (like I used to) it would get so much more portable use. It spends most of its time in my room, plugged in to my JBL "Creature."

2005-08-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

So, I over reacted to something... again. Okay, so Frankie invited me to dinner, yesterday, an hour prior to the reservation after a day chopped full of phone tag. My initial reaction is always, "Yay! Frankie and I get to hang out!" Then I remember how sociable he is and I think he may have invited others to join us.

So, what do I do? Freak Out! Le freak... say chic... Yeah. I think my tears may have welled up just thinking about who else may join us. What's the deal, Stef? From my persepective, this good friend of mine has the potential to be the perfect boyfriend for a certain someone. Problem. This good friend of mine also has A LOT of "friends" who want to take advantage of him in oh so many ways, it's sickning just thinking about it.

Anyway, dinner was actually fun and I turned out to be a punk. What else is new?

2005-08-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

A recent conversation with a family member got me thinking. Is it normal to live your life in the past? Trying to move forward, yet stuck by old baggage? Not so much. This probably explains the frequent sadness and frustration. It's hard to get out of habits you've had forever.

I was asked why I don't pray at the dinner table when I eat? Well, I rarely eat at "the table." Plus, when I'm about to eat, prayer is the last thing on my mind once bitten by the hunger bug. I grew up in a family of 6, who rarely ate meals together. Holidays and birthdays were the days we ate and prayed together. That's it. It's never been an issue for me.

Now, I do have some bad habits (some of which I don't feel like sharing) but I do have some. I shop too much, some how. I still drive too fast. 45mpg in a 35 is still speeding. I still procrastinate, especially when told "oh, there's no rush." And finally, I pretend like I don't know how to be aggressive. Like I don't know how to go after something I want. That one's been kicking my ass for years.

So how do you break the cycle? Can you just stop? Really, can you???

2005-08-05T00:44:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I learned how nice it can be to be patient. I was kinda sad...again, so I went shopping in Plano. Believe it or not, I drove the speed limit. For those of you who don't think that's huge, I usually drive 50mph+ on the reg road and 80mph+ on the tollroad (in a hurry or not).

When I was 21, I made Amber G. scream as we barreled down the tight curves of Royal Lane in my big 'ole Chevy Tahoe. In rememberance of that great moment, I made Frankie's roommate, Norberto, squeal as we flew down the tight curves of The Dallas North Tollway from Plano to the gayborhood. Yeah, that was a great night.

Anyway, the point is on my way home, I got out of the fast lane and drove at a NORMAL speed. I realized I don't always have to be in a rush. That's probably why I feel so crazy and worn out so much. I'm not enjoying life, I'm rushing through it. I was rushing. No more.

There's so much to enjoy. Hilda and I are going to visit Ambs in a few weeks in New Orleans. I have a niece who's already growing up too fast, so I have to make sure I'm around when she needs me. My dog, Hampton, only has a few years left so I have to spend as much time with him as I can. So much to do in such little time. No wonder we all rush so often.

Where's the "pause" button?

2005-08-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Stef is experiencing his monthly loneliness spell.

Yeah, I figured I was experiencing gay male mid-life crisis (occurs b/t ages 25 and 35), but I'm not. At the beginning of every month, it's like I force myself to realize I don't have a companion. I have no clue to why anyone would do that to himself. That's just fucked up.

Newsflash! I haven't had a boyfriend in almost two years (exactly in November), which also means I haven't experienced any of the... delightful/sexual benefits that are included in the package in almost two years. Damn, I am strong! I don't know any other guy (especially a gay one) who could hold out for more than a couple of weeks, let alone two years.

And it's not like I can't go and find someone to have sex with. Anyone can do that. I'm looking for something in particular; someone with that certain something that will make my head light and my stomach tight. I guess I am looking for true love. Huh. I thought I gave that up after my last boyfriend gave me some unmentionable, yet curable, STD.

He (the ex) said he loved me, constantly. He was actually worried that I would cheat on him although he was the one who cheated on me AND gave me an infectious surprise that he didn't even have the balls to fess up to. That's been extemely hard to get over. It's even more difficult NOT to think that someone else may do the exact same thing.

I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it. I can only hope and pray it doesn't come back and bite me in ass... again.

2005-08-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

Why can't things just change over night?

As I wrote earlier, I discovered (or rather realized) people are drawn to me, more so for social purposes rather than intimate ones. Well, after this epiphany I figured my behavior would change (for the better) towards the men I am surrounded by on the daily. Yeah, not so much.

What's happening is around most guys I'll behave normally, but now I've actually targeted a selected few to have super naughty fantasies about. Unfortunately for me, I only have these porno dreams while I'm in their presence. I need help!

2005-08-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about the whole meeting people at night thing. Honestly, I'm one who prefers meeting new people during the day and hanging(and sticking) with friends at night. Why?

I'm VERY self aware and I know there are guys out there who are all about looks. So when you're out at night with drinks flowing, everything(visually) may seem wonderful and perfect. But what happens when the lights are lifted and the truth is revealed? Are you still everything that person thought you were and vice versa?

I guess I'm afraid of falling into that trap. Or just trying to dodge the possibilty of it happening. I've had great conversations with people when the lights are low in the club or bar; but when the lights are lifted... I do tense up. I do have some acne scares on my face and (sad to say) I worry that someone I believe is my prince may reject me because my skin isn't perfectly clear. I'm already brown, but I use that as a filter for the racist/asshole gays.

I know it's stupid, but there's always SOMETHING (no matter how small) we're insecure about. Just think about it and how it effects your day-to-day.

2005-07-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

Yurika! All my prayers have been answered! I can be happy if I just meet the right woman, make sweet sweet love to her and create some grand babies for my parents. That's the pot of gold I've been waiting for! Right?

I don't think so. Last I checked, nice-looking guys with matching personalities lit my fire. Oh, but maybe it's just a phase. An 11 year phase? Come on! Face it. My happiness will not present itself in a wife or children or the fictional happy family my parents have dreamt up for me. It will be in the form of me achieving the goals I've set for myself.

So I had a fun little chat with my mother last week after her visit to the therapist. Okay, her therapist IS awesome even though I generally think they're all full of shit. ANYWAY, we had a nice chat after returning home from dinner with a female acquaintance. My mom asked if I "liked" this girl I had gone out with and of course I did my best to avoid the question. Did I mention I'm gay? Yeah, so I did my best to avoid the dreaded "why don't you like any of these girls you're friends with" question.

Granted, we've had this conversation maybe four or five times over the course of eight years; so I am a bit tired of it. Anyway, she released everything she had in her arsenal: Dad wasn't around enough. They didn't pay enough attention to me growing up. They spoiled me too much. They don't want me to end up buried before my time, like my brother...

After the last comment, I put her on mute. Note, I have to filter all the crap from the actual useful information when I have these discussions with my mom. So yada-yada-yada, I'll only be happy if I date women and meet one; get her pregnant and have a family. Yeah, that sounds nice, but it's not on my list. But you know what? I was able to figure out a certain personal mystery that's been haunting my adult life. I discovered why I behave so strange around men(gay and straight).

When I graduated from high school, I moved to New York and there, I realized(better yet, accepted) that I was gay. Well, after a year, I moved back home and went to school at SMU where I caught up with by bud, Amber G. We hung out a lot and she had the best parties. At this time, Amber realized I had NO gaydar; which is unfortunate for any gay person.

Since that time I had been trying to be as gay as I could possibly be (without being too flaming), mentally. As a result, whenever I would see/meet a guy (gay or straight), I would measure him up and wait for him to flirt with me. Why? 'Cuz I'm nuts? Maybe. I developed the idea that ALL guys are gay until proven otherwise; like in court. All people are guilty until proven innocent. Yeah, this ideology really hasn't worked out for me. All it's really done is stunted my growth; making me unable to have basic social interaction with other guys, which is essential to succeed in business.

So, when most men talk to me, I occassionally forget that I am a nice person as well as nice-looking. I'm friendly and I can be fun to talk to (most times). Unfortunately, during many conversations, all I'm really thinking is "what does this guy want from me?" And if the guy's really cute, I'm thinking "where can we go and make out?" What makes this worse is my facial expressions communicate how I feel MUCH louder and clearer than anything I could possibly ever speak.

The good thing about this new found knowledge is now I know. And knowing is half the battle! Yeah.