Yurika! All my prayers have been answered! I can be happy if I just meet the right woman, make sweet sweet love to her and create some grand babies for my parents. That's the pot of gold I've been waiting for! Right?

I don't think so. Last I checked, nice-looking guys with matching personalities lit my fire. Oh, but maybe it's just a phase. An 11 year phase? Come on! Face it. My happiness will not present itself in a wife or children or the fictional happy family my parents have dreamt up for me. It will be in the form of me achieving the goals I've set for myself.

So I had a fun little chat with my mother last week after her visit to the therapist. Okay, her therapist IS awesome even though I generally think they're all full of shit. ANYWAY, we had a nice chat after returning home from dinner with a female acquaintance. My mom asked if I "liked" this girl I had gone out with and of course I did my best to avoid the question. Did I mention I'm gay? Yeah, so I did my best to avoid the dreaded "why don't you like any of these girls you're friends with" question.

Granted, we've had this conversation maybe four or five times over the course of eight years; so I am a bit tired of it. Anyway, she released everything she had in her arsenal: Dad wasn't around enough. They didn't pay enough attention to me growing up. They spoiled me too much. They don't want me to end up buried before my time, like my brother...

After the last comment, I put her on mute. Note, I have to filter all the crap from the actual useful information when I have these discussions with my mom. So yada-yada-yada, I'll only be happy if I date women and meet one; get her pregnant and have a family. Yeah, that sounds nice, but it's not on my list. But you know what? I was able to figure out a certain personal mystery that's been haunting my adult life. I discovered why I behave so strange around men(gay and straight).

When I graduated from high school, I moved to New York and there, I realized(better yet, accepted) that I was gay. Well, after a year, I moved back home and went to school at SMU where I caught up with by bud, Amber G. We hung out a lot and she had the best parties. At this time, Amber realized I had NO gaydar; which is unfortunate for any gay person.

Since that time I had been trying to be as gay as I could possibly be (without being too flaming), mentally. As a result, whenever I would see/meet a guy (gay or straight), I would measure him up and wait for him to flirt with me. Why? 'Cuz I'm nuts? Maybe. I developed the idea that ALL guys are gay until proven otherwise; like in court. All people are guilty until proven innocent. Yeah, this ideology really hasn't worked out for me. All it's really done is stunted my growth; making me unable to have basic social interaction with other guys, which is essential to succeed in business.

So, when most men talk to me, I occassionally forget that I am a nice person as well as nice-looking. I'm friendly and I can be fun to talk to (most times). Unfortunately, during many conversations, all I'm really thinking is "what does this guy want from me?" And if the guy's really cute, I'm thinking "where can we go and make out?" What makes this worse is my facial expressions communicate how I feel MUCH louder and clearer than anything I could possibly ever speak.

The good thing about this new found knowledge is now I know. And knowing is half the battle! Yeah.