Finally, Some Answers

I had the strangest dream last night. It involved my ex-best friend, Gabe, and my current best friend, Paco. And what made it strange was that Paco was playing the role of Gabe, as if my life were a play. I always figured it would be a musical comedy, but I digress.

BACKGROUND
Gabe and I became good friends rather quickly, but it turned to a negative relationship that I'm glad I was able to escape from. I was 24 and in need of some serious male attention and Gabe was the only close guy in my life. So what happened after spending so much time with him going to clubs, shopping and talking on the phone (it sounds like a couple of 14 year old girls)?

I developed feelings for him, that I knew for a fact he would never have for me. I remember one time, in the early stages of our relationship, he said - outloud - he didn't date black guys. Now, it pisses me off when ANYONE marks off an entire ethnicity from their list of potential mates, but this was my friend. Therefore, it hurt much worse.

But to make myself feel better, I figured I could change his mind. I mean, I've always been "the exception" throughout my entire life. I grew up in a wealthy, white, Jewish neighborhood in Dallas and I was brought up as a well mannered, clear speaking gentleman. When I enter a room and open my mouth, people always turn their heads like they were expecting me to sound like a bone thugg, who flashes his scrilla around town.

When I used to meet guys online (pre photo uploads) and later we'd speak on the phone, the one comment I could ALWAYS count on hearing was "Wow, you don't sound black!" I felt so wonderful knowing that because I sounded normal, I was accepted by certain people. So I figured as being the sole positive influence in his life, I would be the exception for Gabe.

Sad to say, Gabe preferred the white and slightly tanned meat more so throughout our "friendship," which left me feeling incredibly stupid and alone. Fortunately, I realized he didn't value our friendship (or whatever the hell it was we had) one bit. Originally, we worked together. We shopped together. We had deep conversations, regularly. I'd give advice and he'd listen... sometimes. I made myself available to him (so my fault) and he used me.

Once I realized that I was the one who always called him, when I realized EVERY conversation we had revolved around him; I stopped calling. I haven't heard from him since. Okay, that's not true. Paco and I ran into him back in December. He saw Paco getting in my car and he ran to say "hi." I smiled and said "hi" back and that was it.

I hear he wants back in my life. I think he fucked me up, royal. When I was dating my last boyfriend I would have these episodes where I could NOT remove Gabe from my thought and I just became so upset. I remember Eric tried to console me by letting me know it was okay because he meant something to me. That was nice, but it sucked that I was falling apart while he was doing his thing... which was simply screwing around.

One of his exes told me his various partners nicknamed him "Captain Hook." I try my best not picture it, but the name is fucking hilarious! So, Gabe and I were no longer friends. Next, I met my ex. We met online and talked EVERYDAY for seven months. This was a long distance relationship with monthly conjugal visits. I insisted get to know one another before our relationship got serious. We had to be friends first. Why? Because friendship is the next most important thing in my life after family.

My parent's therapist explained to me (and it makes so much sense) that whenever a friendship ends, it's like experiencing a death. And I do not handle death well at all. I've actually lost my big brother and my grandmother, both in the past four years. I didn't go to my brother's funeral in New York because I was a coward and couldn't face up to the fact that AIDS had finally taken him away from our family. And after living with us for five years, at 94 , my grandmother became a friend to me. So losing another friend would simply be devastating.
_________
BACK TO THE TOPIC
So that sums up why I'm so screwed up when it comes to friendships. Now let's return to the ACTUAL subject of this post; my dream. Well, I occasionally compare my relationship with Paco with the one I had with Gabe. And I know Paco won't like reading that, but it's true. The difference is Paco would NEVER do anything to hurt me. As our friendship has developed we've been nothing but supportive towards one another. We make each other laugh. We know one another's pet peeves. We can talk about anything. We enjoy each other's company, no matter how insecure I am about my appearance at times.

Paco, you are my best friend; which is why I was terrified when I started feeling jealous towards your new relationship with what's his name (laugh here). Back when we were acquaintances, I always saw you as boyfriend material. Not sure why, but I did. I guess I see all my guy (non-straight) friends that way. I see all the qualities I would want in a boyfriend, in them. Which is probably why I develop crushes on each and every one of them.

So I think I'll have to take everyone's advice, which has been "Maybe you need to distance yourself from him. You know, not spending so much time together." Well that should be easy since he works full-time, goes to school full-time and has a boyfriend. This dream has got me feeling more peculiar than anything else. I feel like Paco is another version of the Gabe character. Only this time, the relationship is legit; but it still feels like he's leaving me for something more desirable.

Whoa! I just came up with that. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together. Although I hate that I'm comparing Paco to Gabe. I'm even feeling offended. Maybe not as much as Paco probably is. You know, Paco is like a 24 karat, emerald cut, Harry Winston diamond ring... with a platinum band; while Gabe is more like a busted, crusty Ring Pop trying to pass as a Cubix Zarconia. There are absolutely no similarities other than one. I loved them both. Well, I still love Paco (here, love ≠ in love with). Gabe can take a leap into flaming radioactive sewage for all I care.

Jack-ass.