Confidently... Sheltered

Today is Sunday, which means attacking Super Target in Plano (20 miles away), car washing and laundry doing. Well, in watching Return of the Jedi (in passing), I starting thinking back to my freshman year of college in Brooklyn, yo!

I thought about how I've been since I moved back home to Dallas and how things were in the oh so unfamiliar New York. I strangely remember feeling at ease with myself along with never receiving strange looks from others, as though I did not belong.

To clarify. I live in McMansion Land #3 in Dallas, otherwise known as Preston Hollow.

#1 = Highland Park
#2 = University Park.

Anyway, Over the past 10 years or so I have been a faithful patron to the neighborhood Starbucks. And over 10 years, I am still the ONLY brown customer who actually lives in the vicinity and is never on his way to work when he stops in.

That being said, I (still) get stared at everyday, by other customers; like I'm a fucking alien or something. Some looks are of pure resentment. "Sorry, but I was born and raised here. You weren't so STOP lookin' at me and drink your damn coffee!" While others are of bewilderment. "Yes, there are such things as non-ghetto black people. Welcome to 2006."

People didn't give me hateful looks in NYC. Hell, people rarely ever made eye contact on the street. Many people were surprised when I was courteous towards them. I mean opening a door for someone in New York is a HUGE deal! You see, I was born in Dallas; raised in Preston Hollow with privileges other African American kids could only dream of.

Dallas has always been my comfort zone. Here, I have a (free) roof over my head, my bills NEVER go unpaid, I have a new car to drive every few years, and access to more credit cards than anyone ever should. This has been my life and it seriously needs to change.

I love my parents. And I know they will do everything they can to keep me comfortable as I build my design skills and search for stable employment. Unfortunately, I've become lazy-minded as a result. Lately, even more so, I have not been doing as well as I could in school. My designs are fine and all, but I've had hell meeting simple deadlines and other basic tasks.

I keep hearing, "If you didn't have any options, you wouldn't be acting this way." And all I can think is "Why now? Why am I having so much difficulty now?" While I've been in school earning my Web Design certificate I've out performed all my class mates consistently over four quarters. But, at quarter five, something happened.

I mean I did okay taking a class on Flash MX 2004, which I've NEVER used. But like I said, I did okay. Quarter six, all hell broke loose. I missed deadlines as well as classes. As a result, I earned a "D." Since I've been in school, I never earned anything less than a "B+."

I do have a 3.4 GPA, thank God. The single class last quarter only dropped my 3.6 a couple points, so that's the one positive. I still have a couple lessons to learn, though. For instance, I have a 19 year old class mate constantly telling me, an almost 28 year old, to "speak up" during in-class critiques.

I'm fascinated how shut-in I've made myself in Dallas. When I lived in New York, I performed in two musicals; HAIR and PAL JOEY. I acted and sang my ass off in front of large audiences. Both shows ran over three days with four performances of each. Living in Big D, I can't even convince myself to make conversation with other graphic designers at my DSVC (Dallas Society of Visual Communications) meetings.

I'm terrified of this type of interaction. Probably because I have to do it alone. I've learned to only do certain things by myself, like grocery shopping, getting coffee and my hair cut. Sometimes I shop by myself too, but that's no fun to do by yourself. Ugh! I'm thinking about moving. I can't stand that I'm a comfortable coward. I'm sure I'd presently be the success I'm supposed to be if I had stepped up at EVERY opportunity that presented itself to me.

There's been quite a few. You know, when I lived in New York, I was still quiet. Performance was simply an outlet that helped me to prepare for typically uncomfortable interaction. I don't really have a multifunctional escape here. I drive a lot, but I'm usually by myself and my hostility towards others peaks out while I'm behind the wheel.

I guess I'll have to do some research. I would so like to be able to approach interesting strangers and engage them in conversation.