I think I'm gaining some clarity... finally.

I've constantly thought of all the cute clothes and cool tech toys I could purchase. I would think of all the swanky restaurants I where could dine... and I wonder. I wonder, "is this me?" Is it? Or am I trying too hard to be like the kids my age who actually have all these things and can afford all they want.

I get it. I finally get it. I'm broke. Technically, I'm unemployed. And to make things worse, the creativity that used to flow through my veins has dwindled. How can I be a designer without inspiration. How can expect to grow without physical activity.

I don't work out. I don't play any sports. I'm not really active in any industry organizations, either. What happened? Last week I felt absolutely nuts! I've fallen behind on obligations. I'm short on freelance work. My confidence has fallen to my feet. THAT'S NOT ME!

I can be loud and obnoxious, but usually tend to be relaxed and reserved. I would be cocky because (before anyway) I knew I was a Talented SOB. I knew my stuff. Everything inspired me! I smiled A LOT more and shopped A LOT less. I miss being able to afford my bills. And at this point, I feel like I'm headed into a ditch.

I feel so lost. But, I can kind of see where I could go... The one thing I've done that makes sense is I have a subscription to an awesome industry publication. Thank God. HOW magazine has kept me afloat as a consistent source of creative expression by designers all over the world. Designers like I was and want to be.

What the fuck happened to me? Did I flush my passion down the toilet and trade up for material shit. Cute jeans...iPod mini...JBL sub woofer... All shit! Yeah, it's cool having these things, but they don't bring happiness. My family (when we're all together) makes me happy. My dog makes me happy. My friends make me happy. The idea of meeting someone to spend the rest of my life with makes me happy. The blue sky I see every morning makes me happy. Making other happy makes me happy. Being me...my genuine self...makes me happy.

So what now? I should take a page from the book of Rita and make a detailed list of things I need to get done. Going from the very broad, down to super specific. Focusing on things I need to get done today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, next week, this-next month and so on. I just hope... No negativity!

Wish me luck!