Finally, Some Answers

I had the strangest dream last night. It involved my ex-best friend, Gabe, and my current best friend, Paco. And what made it strange was that Paco was playing the role of Gabe, as if my life were a play. I always figured it would be a musical comedy, but I digress.

BACKGROUND
Gabe and I became good friends rather quickly, but it turned to a negative relationship that I'm glad I was able to escape from. I was 24 and in need of some serious male attention and Gabe was the only close guy in my life. So what happened after spending so much time with him going to clubs, shopping and talking on the phone (it sounds like a couple of 14 year old girls)?

I developed feelings for him, that I knew for a fact he would never have for me. I remember one time, in the early stages of our relationship, he said - outloud - he didn't date black guys. Now, it pisses me off when ANYONE marks off an entire ethnicity from their list of potential mates, but this was my friend. Therefore, it hurt much worse.

But to make myself feel better, I figured I could change his mind. I mean, I've always been "the exception" throughout my entire life. I grew up in a wealthy, white, Jewish neighborhood in Dallas and I was brought up as a well mannered, clear speaking gentleman. When I enter a room and open my mouth, people always turn their heads like they were expecting me to sound like a bone thugg, who flashes his scrilla around town.

When I used to meet guys online (pre photo uploads) and later we'd speak on the phone, the one comment I could ALWAYS count on hearing was "Wow, you don't sound black!" I felt so wonderful knowing that because I sounded normal, I was accepted by certain people. So I figured as being the sole positive influence in his life, I would be the exception for Gabe.

Sad to say, Gabe preferred the white and slightly tanned meat more so throughout our "friendship," which left me feeling incredibly stupid and alone. Fortunately, I realized he didn't value our friendship (or whatever the hell it was we had) one bit. Originally, we worked together. We shopped together. We had deep conversations, regularly. I'd give advice and he'd listen... sometimes. I made myself available to him (so my fault) and he used me.

Once I realized that I was the one who always called him, when I realized EVERY conversation we had revolved around him; I stopped calling. I haven't heard from him since. Okay, that's not true. Paco and I ran into him back in December. He saw Paco getting in my car and he ran to say "hi." I smiled and said "hi" back and that was it.

I hear he wants back in my life. I think he fucked me up, royal. When I was dating my last boyfriend I would have these episodes where I could NOT remove Gabe from my thought and I just became so upset. I remember Eric tried to console me by letting me know it was okay because he meant something to me. That was nice, but it sucked that I was falling apart while he was doing his thing... which was simply screwing around.

One of his exes told me his various partners nicknamed him "Captain Hook." I try my best not picture it, but the name is fucking hilarious! So, Gabe and I were no longer friends. Next, I met my ex. We met online and talked EVERYDAY for seven months. This was a long distance relationship with monthly conjugal visits. I insisted get to know one another before our relationship got serious. We had to be friends first. Why? Because friendship is the next most important thing in my life after family.

My parent's therapist explained to me (and it makes so much sense) that whenever a friendship ends, it's like experiencing a death. And I do not handle death well at all. I've actually lost my big brother and my grandmother, both in the past four years. I didn't go to my brother's funeral in New York because I was a coward and couldn't face up to the fact that AIDS had finally taken him away from our family. And after living with us for five years, at 94 , my grandmother became a friend to me. So losing another friend would simply be devastating.
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BACK TO THE TOPIC
So that sums up why I'm so screwed up when it comes to friendships. Now let's return to the ACTUAL subject of this post; my dream. Well, I occasionally compare my relationship with Paco with the one I had with Gabe. And I know Paco won't like reading that, but it's true. The difference is Paco would NEVER do anything to hurt me. As our friendship has developed we've been nothing but supportive towards one another. We make each other laugh. We know one another's pet peeves. We can talk about anything. We enjoy each other's company, no matter how insecure I am about my appearance at times.

Paco, you are my best friend; which is why I was terrified when I started feeling jealous towards your new relationship with what's his name (laugh here). Back when we were acquaintances, I always saw you as boyfriend material. Not sure why, but I did. I guess I see all my guy (non-straight) friends that way. I see all the qualities I would want in a boyfriend, in them. Which is probably why I develop crushes on each and every one of them.

So I think I'll have to take everyone's advice, which has been "Maybe you need to distance yourself from him. You know, not spending so much time together." Well that should be easy since he works full-time, goes to school full-time and has a boyfriend. This dream has got me feeling more peculiar than anything else. I feel like Paco is another version of the Gabe character. Only this time, the relationship is legit; but it still feels like he's leaving me for something more desirable.

Whoa! I just came up with that. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together. Although I hate that I'm comparing Paco to Gabe. I'm even feeling offended. Maybe not as much as Paco probably is. You know, Paco is like a 24 karat, emerald cut, Harry Winston diamond ring... with a platinum band; while Gabe is more like a busted, crusty Ring Pop trying to pass as a Cubix Zarconia. There are absolutely no similarities other than one. I loved them both. Well, I still love Paco (here, love ≠ in love with). Gabe can take a leap into flaming radioactive sewage for all I care.

Jack-ass.

$5000 Gift Card, here I come!!!

So I went to both Target and SuperTarget yesterday, Sunday. I guess whenever you shop there and spend a certain amount, you get a link to their customer survey printed on your reciept with a PIN number.

I think I've submitted between 10-15 since November. Well yesterday, I received 2 offers to fill out a survey. One from Ghetto Target down the street, and another from Super Target out in BFE. So, I just filled them both out and now I'll have an even better chance at winning a $5000 Target gift card.

I've entered sooo many times. Let's just hope for the best!

Naughty by Nature... ?
Reminiscing on men + sex

I was walking Hampton (the dog) this afternoon when a lost thought popped in my head. Lost only because I'm no longer in contact with the person involved with the thought. Those who have known me awhile, remember Alfredo Medina? A.K.A. My first attempt at dating.

Yeah, that was such a lust filled relationship. It only lasted maybe a month, if that. And what most of y'all don't know is how this all began. After I graduated from SMU, I took on a stockroom management position at Armani Exchange. While here, I crossed paths with Alfredo. At the time, he was a friend of my manager, James.

When I worked at A|X, I hung out at James' apartment pretty regularly. Summer 2001, Alfredo moved in with James, which gave me plenty of opportunities to make my move. We flirted A LOT, so I knew I could snag him. Well, one night James decided to bust out his Swatch collection. No joke. I believe it lasted about an hour. Maybe longer. Either way, Alfredo and I were falling asleep.

In the midst of the time piece showcase, Alfredo moved to a couch on the other end of the living room and yes, I followed. James realized that everyone was tired, so he put the Swatches away and went to bed. In the living room, sat Stef and Alfredo. What came next... funny I used that phrase here... I can't go into detail because I simply choose not to. What I can say is Alfredo did contribute to my decision to NEVER bottom during casual encounters.

Which works well, since I don't participate in such acts... anymore. Sex without love does absolutely nothing for me. I've had two casual encounters in my life and I'm NEVER doing that to myself again. Both times I felt like a whore because it always ended with me servicing some idiot who thought playing porn and/or allowing his pets watch was sexy; leaving me unsatisfied and wanting to get the hell out of the situation.

Lesson learned.

Confidently... Sheltered

Today is Sunday, which means attacking Super Target in Plano (20 miles away), car washing and laundry doing. Well, in watching Return of the Jedi (in passing), I starting thinking back to my freshman year of college in Brooklyn, yo!

I thought about how I've been since I moved back home to Dallas and how things were in the oh so unfamiliar New York. I strangely remember feeling at ease with myself along with never receiving strange looks from others, as though I did not belong.

To clarify. I live in McMansion Land #3 in Dallas, otherwise known as Preston Hollow.

#1 = Highland Park
#2 = University Park.

Anyway, Over the past 10 years or so I have been a faithful patron to the neighborhood Starbucks. And over 10 years, I am still the ONLY brown customer who actually lives in the vicinity and is never on his way to work when he stops in.

That being said, I (still) get stared at everyday, by other customers; like I'm a fucking alien or something. Some looks are of pure resentment. "Sorry, but I was born and raised here. You weren't so STOP lookin' at me and drink your damn coffee!" While others are of bewilderment. "Yes, there are such things as non-ghetto black people. Welcome to 2006."

People didn't give me hateful looks in NYC. Hell, people rarely ever made eye contact on the street. Many people were surprised when I was courteous towards them. I mean opening a door for someone in New York is a HUGE deal! You see, I was born in Dallas; raised in Preston Hollow with privileges other African American kids could only dream of.

Dallas has always been my comfort zone. Here, I have a (free) roof over my head, my bills NEVER go unpaid, I have a new car to drive every few years, and access to more credit cards than anyone ever should. This has been my life and it seriously needs to change.

I love my parents. And I know they will do everything they can to keep me comfortable as I build my design skills and search for stable employment. Unfortunately, I've become lazy-minded as a result. Lately, even more so, I have not been doing as well as I could in school. My designs are fine and all, but I've had hell meeting simple deadlines and other basic tasks.

I keep hearing, "If you didn't have any options, you wouldn't be acting this way." And all I can think is "Why now? Why am I having so much difficulty now?" While I've been in school earning my Web Design certificate I've out performed all my class mates consistently over four quarters. But, at quarter five, something happened.

I mean I did okay taking a class on Flash MX 2004, which I've NEVER used. But like I said, I did okay. Quarter six, all hell broke loose. I missed deadlines as well as classes. As a result, I earned a "D." Since I've been in school, I never earned anything less than a "B+."

I do have a 3.4 GPA, thank God. The single class last quarter only dropped my 3.6 a couple points, so that's the one positive. I still have a couple lessons to learn, though. For instance, I have a 19 year old class mate constantly telling me, an almost 28 year old, to "speak up" during in-class critiques.

I'm fascinated how shut-in I've made myself in Dallas. When I lived in New York, I performed in two musicals; HAIR and PAL JOEY. I acted and sang my ass off in front of large audiences. Both shows ran over three days with four performances of each. Living in Big D, I can't even convince myself to make conversation with other graphic designers at my DSVC (Dallas Society of Visual Communications) meetings.

I'm terrified of this type of interaction. Probably because I have to do it alone. I've learned to only do certain things by myself, like grocery shopping, getting coffee and my hair cut. Sometimes I shop by myself too, but that's no fun to do by yourself. Ugh! I'm thinking about moving. I can't stand that I'm a comfortable coward. I'm sure I'd presently be the success I'm supposed to be if I had stepped up at EVERY opportunity that presented itself to me.

There's been quite a few. You know, when I lived in New York, I was still quiet. Performance was simply an outlet that helped me to prepare for typically uncomfortable interaction. I don't really have a multifunctional escape here. I drive a lot, but I'm usually by myself and my hostility towards others peaks out while I'm behind the wheel.

I guess I'll have to do some research. I would so like to be able to approach interesting strangers and engage them in conversation.

DAYUM!!!

Drat! I just found out my new VW Jetta WAS in fact assembled in Mexico. Puebla, Mexico to be exact. I am sooo not happy with this news as my Passat was ALL kinds of German goodness.

Now I come to find my new sporty beast of a vehicle is only partial German. Unfortunately, I am referring to the temperamental 6 speed automatic transmission that likes to jump gears EVERYDAY.

The sticker says:

MAJOR SOURCES OF FOREIGN PARTS CONTENT:
GERMANY: 35%
MEXICO: 35%

Eh. I guess I'll survive. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a lemon, like Amy's old Jetta. Pray for me.

Pining Away...

When you're drowning in work, all you really want is an escape... or maybe a simple distraction. Well, I've become overtaken by distraction. Well, one in particular. Someone close to me (who will remain nameless) has become involved with a nice fellow... from what I hear anyway.

As a result, I can't help but spend the majority of my days thinking about this person. I'll work for a couple hours and take a break. And what do I during these breaks? I think about him and all the crap we've been through together and all the growing up we've done since we've been friends.

Occasionally, loving feelings I had in the past will surface which leads to jealousy of my friend's relationship with this stranger. I'm beginning to feel schizo as I routinely have to convince myself to get over these feelings and focus on getting my shit together, starting with finishing my personal website so I can market myself more effectively as a Web Designer.

I'm seriously losing it. I have tons of work to do and everyone I know is busy with their life. So why can't I just get it together? I just want to get my adult life started.

Is there a pill I can take or something?

It's Hott!!!

So this past weekend was chopped full of surprises. Actually, I just had an extremely awesome Saturday. I mean the entire day, from 12AM Saturday - 12AM Sunday, was absolutely fantastic. Let's start with work.

Okay, I work at Williams Sonoma (the greatest cooks tools store ever) on the weekends as a stock runner/ gift wrapper extraordinaire. Honestly, I hate running stock. I would much rather make celloes and wrap gifts while I'm there. Why? I work in a flag ship store with a two level stockroom.

The strange part of all of this is I know where EVERYTHING is in this magnanimous space, yet I can't stand hunting for requested merchandise. Those who know me best, are aware of my obsessive compulsive tendencies and understand that working at Williams Sonoma gives me that fix.

Anyway, this passed Saturday I was scheduled with my best co-worker, Arlene. She loves running stock, therefore, I got to wrap gifts with the love and care that has earned me such compliments as "Oh my God! You are such an awesome gift wrapper!"

Yeah, so that was a very enjoyable four hour shift. The next situation is still so unbelievable to me. Okay, I lease cars. I also feel that the car you drive should accurately reflect your personality. Why? Because people make judgments based on what they see. If I see some black guy driving around in a white Cadillac Escalade with 20in rims, riding low in the driver's seat; I think he's a pretentious mo fo who thinks that others will respect him because he's driving some pimped out Chevy with Cadillac (the official sponsor of the straight pimp'in community) badges on it.

So, the lease on my 2001 VW Passat is up February 23rd of this year and I've been trying to get out of it for the past four months. Also note, I'm a snob and I'm a spoiled brat. Since I already drive a VW Passat, I figured I would just get a new one since they were redesigned for 2006. And whenever I get a new car(the Passat is car #4 since the age of 16 - I'm 27), I require it have the same amenities my passed vehicles had, such as:

- automatic sunroof with sun shade

- integrated front fog lights

- 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission (faux stick)

- heated leather seats

- 6 disc CD changer

Well, the 2006 Passat with these amenities cost over $31k and I just refuse to pay that much for a VW when I still don't have a real job that pays ALL the bills. It was September when I went to my dealership and decided I wanted this over priced monster that was actually made larger than its predecessor.

Seriously, it's just me and my little cocker spaniel, Hampton. I don't need a car that big. So, one of my resolutions for this New Year was to grow up. This means I will make good major decisions that will positively effect my life over all (career, personal life, etc.). Well for Christmas, Abercrombie & Fitch (as part of a class action settlement) gave me $2.8k. $800. went towards paying some bills, while the rest lingered in my checking account.

By now you're probably asking yourself, "Where's he going with all this?" Well, this passed Friday night, I made the decision that the Passat I wanted was too expensive and I should look at a Jetta instead (one model lower). I configured a top-of-the-line model, online, and it came out to cost less than the modestly loaded model Passat I was looking at.

So long story short (finally), after my great day at work; my dad asked me if we had time to go up to the VW dealership to look at cars. OF COURSE WE HAD TIME! So we went to Boardwalk VW. I told my sales guy what I wanted. We searched the lot for EXACTLY what I was looking for. They had ONE 2006 Jetta 2.0 turbo that was almost perfect, but I wanted another beautiful blue car. Oh well. So I picked out this metallic grey 2006 VW Jetta with...

- heated leather seats

- integrated front fog lights

- dual automatic climate control

- xenon headlights (the ones that can light up the road for three additional cars)

- wood grain trim

- automatic sunroof with sun shade

- hott 17" factory wheels that don't look factory

- 6 disc in-dash CD changer

- 2.0L turbo DOHC inline 4 cylinder engine w/ 200hp (my Passat was a 1.8L turbo with 190hp)

- SIRIUS satellite radio

By 6PM, my credit application was approved (withOUT a co-signer). I signed over a check for $2K (my Abercrombie settlement left overs) as a combo down payment, first month's lease payment + tax, title and license. Now, I HAVE A NEW CAR!!!

I'm still in shock! I've NEVER picked out a car, located it and purchased it within a 24 hour span. That's some mad crazy skill right there. Now, it's a tad smaller, which is quite alright. It's faster. It's sportier. It's HOTT!!! Okay, so that was the second part of my incredible day.

The next came in the form of my being able to have dinner with my best guy friend, Frankie. I told him earlier, I wanted us to have dinner together before we both started up with school and became crazy busy this coming week. We planned for sushi at Reikyu, but my favorite restaurant was unexpectedly overly packed with caucasian Dallasites who needed to be seen at Mockingbird Station on a Saturday night.

We probably didn't need to be in that type of atmosphere anyway. So we headed to another classy spot, much closer to the gayborhood; Parigi. Such a restaurant makes anyone feel like an adult. We chose a fine Pinot Noir. We had meaningful conversation as we sipped. We consumed a fantastically prepared meal, then shared delicious a crust-less peach cobbler.

Like I told Frankie, this passed Saturday (January 7, 2006) was an outstanding day. 1 - I actually had a good, stressless day at work. 2 - I got a new car. 3 - I was able to spend some quality time with Frankie. Yeah, that was a great day.

Oh New Years...

New Years is a wonderful time to renew relationships with old friends, as well as a time to develop new ones. That being said, I rang in the new year with a colorful cast of characters. I have to say, that was the most entertaining trips to Lucas, Texas, ever. No doubt.

Between ten people, we polished off ten bottles of champagne. The weird thing is none of us felt drunk. We were more sleepy than anything else. And I have to give Ms. Melinda mad crazy props on her chocolately Squares of Heavenly deliciousness. Hmmm...

Ahhh... and New Years day. Actually, I had more fun New Years night than during the day. I mean, seeing Bareback (Brokeback) Mountain was great. And crying with old and new friends was an unexpected bonding experience.

But, staring down at Ambs' giggley girls... all night... had to be the highlight of our outing. It's up there with teaching Gregory about Stef's guide to checking out potential mates. Shoes first, damnit!

You know, I feel as though I'm not doing the best job describing how great the first day of 2006 actually was for me. So to be thorough, here is an email I wrote my bestest gal pal this week. I believe it gets the point across.

So, I had a fucking blast last weekend. It's also made me realize that having an attitude of needing to go out all the time is such a waste. It takes a combination of the right group of people and a well thought out plan to have a great time.

I love New Years because it forces me to take on new approaches to everyday situations. Up to this point, I've felt... not like a failure, but I have been impatient since everyone I know is living their life and moving closer towards their goals. After Sunday, I've been able to take a good look at how I approach life... school, work, friends, and romance.

It's amazing how one day can change your outlook. First we saw Brokeback Mountain, which made me recognize why I'm so afraid of talking to guys... or the wrong guys. I mean, good guys shouldn't be afraid to flirt; but we have to be careful. This world still isn't ready for us, but we have to stand out to assist the straighties during the transition.

You know, this last line would have seemed a bit strange coming from me if I hadn't just hung out with Gregory. I really like the effect he's had on me. And I love how's he's not stereotypical... like me. I keep saying he's a cross between me and James. He has the OCD behavior that I see as a normal strength and the love of knowledge and of French culture that James has.

If he were anyone else I think I would have been VERY intimidated, but I was not. You know how you complain about how gay men react to you? Like you're the Goddess Fag Mistress. I figure you're the Pope of the gay community, which is why you have the effect you do upon gay men. You are the single most positive influence that any gay man could ever have and Gregory, James, and I are the luckiest men on the planet because we have the privilege of knowing you and having you in our lives.

And it's not bizarre to me. Having you as my best gal pal, I know I'll be around for a while; even if my parents don't think so.

Honestly, on New Years Eve I felt like an ass as EVERYONE was aware of Biblical trivia, while I sooo was not. But, I'm special. I have only recently developed a love for knowledge as an adult. I am a positive victim of peer pressure. If my friends have interests in the arts and other news, I do too. I guess it goes along with that thing your SMU professor said. As an adult, you should surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.

Now all I keep thinking is I need companionship. Oh yeah, so Frankie's on his getting a promotion at A|X kick. Although he deserves it and I hope he gets promoted, I wish he had enough time to converse with me. Even though it's only been two weeks since we've had consistent communication with one another. I do miss it. Kinda like how you miss that guy from Austin.

If it seems like I'm rambling, it's probably because I just pounded down an entire bottle of Riesling with lunch. I need a nap.

Love,
Stef