I think I'm gaining some clarity... finally.

I've constantly thought of all the cute clothes and cool tech toys I could purchase. I would think of all the swanky restaurants I where could dine... and I wonder. I wonder, "is this me?" Is it? Or am I trying too hard to be like the kids my age who actually have all these things and can afford all they want.

I get it. I finally get it. I'm broke. Technically, I'm unemployed. And to make things worse, the creativity that used to flow through my veins has dwindled. How can I be a designer without inspiration. How can expect to grow without physical activity.

I don't work out. I don't play any sports. I'm not really active in any industry organizations, either. What happened? Last week I felt absolutely nuts! I've fallen behind on obligations. I'm short on freelance work. My confidence has fallen to my feet. THAT'S NOT ME!

I can be loud and obnoxious, but usually tend to be relaxed and reserved. I would be cocky because (before anyway) I knew I was a Talented SOB. I knew my stuff. Everything inspired me! I smiled A LOT more and shopped A LOT less. I miss being able to afford my bills. And at this point, I feel like I'm headed into a ditch.

I feel so lost. But, I can kind of see where I could go... The one thing I've done that makes sense is I have a subscription to an awesome industry publication. Thank God. HOW magazine has kept me afloat as a consistent source of creative expression by designers all over the world. Designers like I was and want to be.

What the fuck happened to me? Did I flush my passion down the toilet and trade up for material shit. Cute jeans...iPod mini...JBL sub woofer... All shit! Yeah, it's cool having these things, but they don't bring happiness. My family (when we're all together) makes me happy. My dog makes me happy. My friends make me happy. The idea of meeting someone to spend the rest of my life with makes me happy. The blue sky I see every morning makes me happy. Making other happy makes me happy. Being me...my genuine self...makes me happy.

So what now? I should take a page from the book of Rita and make a detailed list of things I need to get done. Going from the very broad, down to super specific. Focusing on things I need to get done today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, next week, this-next month and so on. I just hope... No negativity!

Wish me luck!

MANDATORY EVACUATION!!!

That's been what's up this week. Damnit Katrina! Hilda and I were supposed to have a fun filled, relaxing time in New Orleans last weekend. But what happened? We flew in on Friday, then hauled ass out of there on Saturday.

On the upside, we did get out of the city. It may have taken 14 hours to get home, but we got out of New Orleans before disaster struck. What sucks is the levies probably won't hold and the Army Corps of Engineers thinks the city will be under water pretty soon...says Ambs.

That being said, my friends in N.O. probably won't have a school to go back to and all their possessions they left are no more.

Some of them had a vigil for their lost clothes, trinkets, etc. Apparently it helped them get over the fact they'll never see their mahogany night stands or French jewelry(recently acquired) again.

For now, we all need to move forward and pray for the best.

I am so behind on my freelance work. It's so not even a joke. I wish, but sadly no.

So Rita asked me to design a menu for the theatres' concessions, maybe last month or like end of June... Yeah, I haven't done more than brain storm on the paper type I wanted to use. Next, my sister wants me to redesign her fine art portfolio (note: I designed her first portfolio a few years back, so it needs some serious updating).

So much is going on and I can barely keep up. What's wrong with me? I used to be able to tackle five + projects at a time. Now, I can barely get my homework done and make it to work on time. You kknow what? It's probably my age and my diet trying to kick my ass simultaneously.

I eat healthy, but I do tend to splurge on the liquor and the mashed potatoes. Frankie introduced me to "edamame" last week. Whoever would have thought whole soy beans could be sooo delicious. Apparently I'm not supposed to eat them whole, BUT the one's sold at EATZI's can be, so HA!!!

Okay, so what have we learned? Stefan can no longer eat entire trays of mashed potatoes and he must, must, must lay off the #6 (Spicy Chicken Sandwich) Biggie Sized with a Sprite at Wendy's. I eat way too much fucking chicken, too. Salmon! It's the way of the future, baby!

So what's with life being sooo hectic? There's so much to do in a single day that a five minute breather seems like an all day nap. What happened to the feakin' day?

I've finally re-joined tech-advanced society!!! I bought an iPod mini.

I'm a little disappointed because of ALL the hype. It's advertised like iPods are the greatest things ever. I knew something was wrong when I went to the Apple Store last weekend and was told the iPod Photo did not take pictures(which would make sense). Really? Do you really need a device that acts as an electronic photo album that you carry around with your music? Sounds dumb to me, but I don't rule the world.

Anyway, I don't have an obnoxious amount of music, so I got the 6 gig silver. It's cool, but I can't take it anywhere... besides the gym(and I don't work out). I can't read (and retain the info) and listen to music simultaneously. You can't have ear phones in the car while you drive, and I don't want to listen to the same music in the car as what's on my 'Pod.

Ugh! Now that I have it I wish I lived in New York, again. If I walked EVERYWHERE (like I used to) it would get so much more portable use. It spends most of its time in my room, plugged in to my JBL "Creature."

So, I over reacted to something... again. Okay, so Frankie invited me to dinner, yesterday, an hour prior to the reservation after a day chopped full of phone tag. My initial reaction is always, "Yay! Frankie and I get to hang out!" Then I remember how sociable he is and I think he may have invited others to join us.

So, what do I do? Freak Out! Le freak... say chic... Yeah. I think my tears may have welled up just thinking about who else may join us. What's the deal, Stef? From my persepective, this good friend of mine has the potential to be the perfect boyfriend for a certain someone. Problem. This good friend of mine also has A LOT of "friends" who want to take advantage of him in oh so many ways, it's sickning just thinking about it.

Anyway, dinner was actually fun and I turned out to be a punk. What else is new?

A recent conversation with a family member got me thinking. Is it normal to live your life in the past? Trying to move forward, yet stuck by old baggage? Not so much. This probably explains the frequent sadness and frustration. It's hard to get out of habits you've had forever.

I was asked why I don't pray at the dinner table when I eat? Well, I rarely eat at "the table." Plus, when I'm about to eat, prayer is the last thing on my mind once bitten by the hunger bug. I grew up in a family of 6, who rarely ate meals together. Holidays and birthdays were the days we ate and prayed together. That's it. It's never been an issue for me.

Now, I do have some bad habits (some of which I don't feel like sharing) but I do have some. I shop too much, some how. I still drive too fast. 45mpg in a 35 is still speeding. I still procrastinate, especially when told "oh, there's no rush." And finally, I pretend like I don't know how to be aggressive. Like I don't know how to go after something I want. That one's been kicking my ass for years.

So how do you break the cycle? Can you just stop? Really, can you???

So yesterday, I learned how nice it can be to be patient. I was kinda sad...again, so I went shopping in Plano. Believe it or not, I drove the speed limit. For those of you who don't think that's huge, I usually drive 50mph+ on the reg road and 80mph+ on the tollroad (in a hurry or not).

When I was 21, I made Amber G. scream as we barreled down the tight curves of Royal Lane in my big 'ole Chevy Tahoe. In rememberance of that great moment, I made Frankie's roommate, Norberto, squeal as we flew down the tight curves of The Dallas North Tollway from Plano to the gayborhood. Yeah, that was a great night.

Anyway, the point is on my way home, I got out of the fast lane and drove at a NORMAL speed. I realized I don't always have to be in a rush. That's probably why I feel so crazy and worn out so much. I'm not enjoying life, I'm rushing through it. I was rushing. No more.

There's so much to enjoy. Hilda and I are going to visit Ambs in a few weeks in New Orleans. I have a niece who's already growing up too fast, so I have to make sure I'm around when she needs me. My dog, Hampton, only has a few years left so I have to spend as much time with him as I can. So much to do in such little time. No wonder we all rush so often.

Where's the "pause" button?

WARNING: Stef is experiencing his monthly loneliness spell.

Yeah, I figured I was experiencing gay male mid-life crisis (occurs b/t ages 25 and 35), but I'm not. At the beginning of every month, it's like I force myself to realize I don't have a companion. I have no clue to why anyone would do that to himself. That's just fucked up.

Newsflash! I haven't had a boyfriend in almost two years (exactly in November), which also means I haven't experienced any of the... delightful/sexual benefits that are included in the package in almost two years. Damn, I am strong! I don't know any other guy (especially a gay one) who could hold out for more than a couple of weeks, let alone two years.

And it's not like I can't go and find someone to have sex with. Anyone can do that. I'm looking for something in particular; someone with that certain something that will make my head light and my stomach tight. I guess I am looking for true love. Huh. I thought I gave that up after my last boyfriend gave me some unmentionable, yet curable, STD.

He (the ex) said he loved me, constantly. He was actually worried that I would cheat on him although he was the one who cheated on me AND gave me an infectious surprise that he didn't even have the balls to fess up to. That's been extemely hard to get over. It's even more difficult NOT to think that someone else may do the exact same thing.

I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it. I can only hope and pray it doesn't come back and bite me in ass... again.

Why can't things just change over night?

As I wrote earlier, I discovered (or rather realized) people are drawn to me, more so for social purposes rather than intimate ones. Well, after this epiphany I figured my behavior would change (for the better) towards the men I am surrounded by on the daily. Yeah, not so much.

What's happening is around most guys I'll behave normally, but now I've actually targeted a selected few to have super naughty fantasies about. Unfortunately for me, I only have these porno dreams while I'm in their presence. I need help!

So I've been thinking about the whole meeting people at night thing. Honestly, I'm one who prefers meeting new people during the day and hanging(and sticking) with friends at night. Why?

I'm VERY self aware and I know there are guys out there who are all about looks. So when you're out at night with drinks flowing, everything(visually) may seem wonderful and perfect. But what happens when the lights are lifted and the truth is revealed? Are you still everything that person thought you were and vice versa?

I guess I'm afraid of falling into that trap. Or just trying to dodge the possibilty of it happening. I've had great conversations with people when the lights are low in the club or bar; but when the lights are lifted... I do tense up. I do have some acne scares on my face and (sad to say) I worry that someone I believe is my prince may reject me because my skin isn't perfectly clear. I'm already brown, but I use that as a filter for the racist/asshole gays.

I know it's stupid, but there's always SOMETHING (no matter how small) we're insecure about. Just think about it and how it effects your day-to-day.